Sunday, June 24, 2012

LOL Columbus Vasco Zheng

Vasco Da Gama found the indian ocean trade for the europeans.

The greatest admiral in chinese history was, get this, a eunuch.

The chinese treasure ships were about 400 ft long.

The chinese were great traders in the indian ocean trade route.

Exotic animals were brought back to china by Admiral eunuch.

Portugeese sailors were competing with the chinese, but I think with their then titanic ships, they would have crushed the santa maria.

It's not easy to hit a continent.

The portugeese owned africa.

The world was divided into 2 places, the spanish and the portugeese halves.

Zheng He is the name of Admiral Eunuch.

Zheng He led about 3000 ships in his times.

Ambassadors exchanged gifts for the ability to trade with the chinese emperor.

The great wall was built because people stopped building giant ships.

Granada was where lots of european muslims were found.

Vasco Da Gama was searching for gold and christians.

Columbus has a deserved reputation for sea travel, but Zheng He and Vasco Da Gama was much better than him.

They didn't have general anestesia during the times when Zheng He and Vasco Da Gama were travelling. Just Imagine how much it hurt for Zheng He to get his nice, beautiful apples cut off.

Lots of maps were made, which gave portugeese sailors an advantage.

Portugeese sailors were pretty much pirates, attacking people and forcing the attacked to trade with them.

American Indians are called that because of columbus. I call them Native Americans because that's nicer.

In 1492, columbus discovered america. Or so they say..... I think the Natives there were the rightful founders.

In indian ocean trade, the chinese needed respect if they wanted to trade with any country.

If the chinese never stopped building giant ships, one of the most amazing wonders of the world would never have been created.

Zheng He was a muslim.

China was the leading manufacturer of quality goods in the world.

Zheng He was a medieval animal guy.

The Yongle Emperor died, stopping Zheng He from trading.

Columbus never thought he made it to america, he thought he crashed into indonesia.

Columbus created some christians.

Some.

Zheng He lost both his testicles, but that didn't stop him from becoming one of the best travellers in the world.

The chinese wanted to dominate trade, and for sure, Zheng He was one of the best captains.

Vasco De Gama was looking for a guy so that guy would help them in a crusade.

The portugeese had to rely on extortion to row their ships.

People say that columbus just hit some islands. I don't think so.

Zheng He, De Gama, and Columbus were 3 of the best, no not just best, BESTEST sailors of all time. ALL TIME.

Don't travel through the sea without fruit, or you shall contract scurvy!

Do you want quality goods? Go to china in the monsoon marketplace times.

The Kow Tow is when ambassadors or actual nobles offer the emperor of china gifts, in exchange for the ability to trade with them.

They built the great wall during the monsoon marketplace times, actually, a little after they stopped trading with giant ships. After that, the mongols got pretty mad, they didn't like a huge wall blocking their awesome, sacking, bloodily killing skills.

Krester John was meant to live in africa, and Vasco Da Gama was searching for him everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Columbus never thought he made it to china.

Columbus was not a lucky lucky idiot.

The Native Americans just kept america when they found out it was available, like "Oh, this land is available? In that case, we'll keep it! It's all the same to you."

Zheng He was the first main figure for ocean travel in the 15th century.

You will need to awknowledge the superiority of the emperor if you want to trade with the rich rich RICH dude.

The portugeese captured a lot of cities, turning them into trading posts.

Without a kartise, you can't trade with the portugeese.

They used to figure out time with a hourglass, which meant it was pretty hard to find out how long you were doing something.

The greatest mariner of the 15th century is up to you, and what is your definition of greatest.

Treasure ships usually had about 7 masts, and there were about 400 of them in an armada.

All you people that criticize Columbus, just please, shut up. Just shut up. SHUT UP!

The chinese didn't dominate trade in the indian ocean after zheng he died.

In columbus' first journey, he found san salvador.

Back to Indian Ocean Trade!

Zheng He went from nice fun life to getting his balls cut off. Very sad. SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

And that means he can't impregnate ANYTHING!

Treasure ships are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO big. I mean, they're about the length of all my O's. If every O was a meter. That's how long it is. Peanut butteringly big.

Vasco De Gama is awesome! He was a pirate! He looted ships! And he forced captains to sign contracts so he can sell stuff to them! FORCED SELLING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Say goodbye to your money!

Portugal's motivations were to find gold and Christians. Which was almost impossible as most of Christianity was on the European side of Eurasia. Spain is also fun. They also look for gold and Christians.

Columbus landed in the EAST INDIES! Like Magellan. But Magellan made a lot of mistakes. I lied. Columbus thought he landed in the east indies.

The pope split the world into 2 places. SPAIN AND PORTUGAL!



Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Russians

The russian empire didn't last forever, and wasn't around since the beginning of time, But before that wasteland was proclaimed an empire, it was the home for some barbaric peoples.

The russians hated the mongols.

Napoleon and Hitler couldn't conquer russia for the same reason: Winter. Big bad winter.

Ivan 3 wanted to get the mongols out of russia, so they refused to pay the mongols tax.

Ivan the 4 was a terrible guy, hence the name, Ivan the terrible.

Vladmir Putin puts his enemies in jail... OH MY GOD SORRY PUTIN! DON'T PUT ME IN JAIL! I'M INNOCENT!

Russian wasn't byzantine, wasn't european, and wasn't mongol.

The mongols successfully captured russia, winter didn't stop them.

The mongols helped the russians by attacking the russian's enemies.

Bazel the cross-eyed was blinded.

The other Bazel was also blinded, but he was still a really, really, really great king.

Vladmir Putin is the current president of russia.

Vikings used to live in the place where the russians made their empire.

Russian Language is very hard to learn for me, which means that you russians are lucky.

The ruler of Kiev was called the Great Prince.

Russians were christians, and most of them were baptized.

Mongols weren't invincible, because the russians defeated them. REVENGE!

Bazel The Blind really expanded the russian empire.

Ivan The Terrible took the throne at the age of 16.

The russians used a lot of muskets.

After Ivan's wife died, everything went wacko.

Russians lived in Kiev.

Vladmir The First said that Drinking was the joy of the russians.

It probably was, since I see russians as people with nice bushy beards, drinking lots of ale. That seems awesome.

The mongols were a scourge sent from god to punish the russians, at least that was what they thought.

Ivan Kalita actually translates to Johnny Moneybags. LOL:P

Russian sounds more like slavic than swedish.

The mongols that conquered russia were called the golden horde.

The Muskivite princes were pretty much the leaders of russia.

Moscow is in european russia.

Moscow seemed like the hero of the russians when the people of moscow gave the mongols their first major defeat. The mongols would have said thanks, but they couldn't, because they were already dead.

Bazel blinded Bazel and then Bazel blinded Bazel back! Are you confused? Not really? Then keep reading friend.

Some of the russian emperors rigged their elections.

Ivan earned his nick The Terrible.

Ivan enjoyed killing animals when he was young.

By the way, that would be pretty fun if you were hunting.

People in black robes riding black horses were the secret police for the russians. They hunted down enemies of russia.

Putin is actually pretty awesome. He shoots tigers, Does karate, and rides jets. "It's lies all lies."

Kiev was not always thought to be founded by vikings.

Moscow is not always so cold.

Moscow is thought to be extremely cold, because winter in russia is horrible.

Sorry russians, but I don't know that feel, but I'm pretty sure how it feels.

Wear lots of fur coats russians! I love your language!

Lots of russian presidents rigged elections, even up to putin. OH GOD SORRY PUTIN! DON'T KILL ME I'M SO SORRY I'LL FIX THAT.

Lots of russian presidents rigged elections, until the wonderful brave Vladimir Putin put an end to it!

It's lies all lies.

Russians won World War 2, against the nazis, not because of the nazi's stupid decisions, but instead because of chance. Pure chance. Because winter was bad that day. That called for a winter-wrap up, but the ponies that were meant to do it were taking their day off. Looks like the animals are gonna be sleeping in.

Lol.

The settlers of Kiev were thought to be slavs, but there is an older theory that it was founded by vikings!

Slaves were traded by the Kievs.

The ruler of Kiev became the model for russian kings.

The russians became Byzantine Christians.

The Kiev fell when the Mongols attacked AND defeated them.

The mongols were very important to russia.

The mongols were allies with moscow.

The Muskavites were not greatful for the great things the mongols did for them, which was pretty weird.

Blinding people was common for the Bazels.

It's possible to rule russia like a boss even when you are blind, in Bazel The Blind's case.

I'm gonna blind you! Bazel said. Ow! I'm gonna blind you back! the other Bazel said.

The Slavs Traded slaves, and no, Slav isn't related to slaves.

Russia isn't always cold, but it is pictured as the coldest, snowiest, and iciest country in the world.






Sunday, June 10, 2012

Venice and the Ottomann empire. Ya I said Mann.

The Venicians were very good at trade, because all they had in their city was fish, so they had to rely on trade to get stuff.

The Piatza San Marco is made out of marble and is continuously pooped on by pigeons. By the way, I bet I spelled Piatza San Marco wrong.

The Ottomans had stuff that colored their glass, which was traded around a lot.

The Janissaries used to be christian boys, and the Jannisaries were not allowed to have kids. They also fought in wars.

Venice became super rich because of the ottomans.

There was a great trading relationship with venice and The Ottoman Empire.

The Venicians ferried a body of one of their saints to Italy again inside a barrel of pork. Muslims hate pork. That's why if you want to stay alive instead of getting killed by muslim crazies, hang pork around your house.

Ottomans were muslims.

Venice was a city but The ottomans had an empire, but they were still best friends.

Venice was pretty much some floating building tied together by canals.

Venicians were extremely good at making ships.

The venicians purposely built their city on the sea so they could trade mainly through the sea.

The ottomans conquered the byzantines, but the venicians didn't even give a crap. Am I allowed to say crap? Yes.

Ottomans had lots of unics, but unics are horrifying. They were usually used as slaves.

Venicians used to trade with the byzantines.

Venicians transported all of their saint bodies from egypt. Of course, in pork. Lots of pork.

The ottomans didn't like pork.

The ottomans didn't like saints either.

That's why they hid their saint bodies in pork.

Ottomans made lots of great buildings.

The Ottoman Empire was named after it's founder.

Ottomans had funny hats, like giant big hats.

The venicians made trade treaties with the byzantines, but when the ottomans conquered them they were quick to start trading with their new traders.

The whole freaking town of venice is made of marble.

Venicians imported a lot of grain through their trade route.

Venice is still known for their glass, but they got a special dye from the ottomans.

The Janissaries are an elite task force for the ottomans.

There were unics all around this great planet.

But the ottoman unics were the best.

Venice was literally built for ocean trade.

If venice wanted to grow, they had to rely on trade.

Venetians. Venicians are actually called Venitians. Crap. I will change from now.

Saint Mark was the saint of Alexandria.

The Ottomans had lots of grain.

Venice produced a lot of glass.

I once had a colored glass. I made it when me and my family went for a tour in a glass factory in japan when I was 10. They put some ashy stuff at the bottom of the glass that colored it a weird green. Now I know that that ash was from the ottomans.

1 Mutually beneficial relationship for the Venetians and the ottomans started a lot of great things. Including the renaissance and Christopher Columbus' Travels.

As the venetians said, "The matter of Constantinople getting the works, was nobody's business but the Turk's."

The Piatza San Marco's church contains Saint Mark's body.

Unics are spelled Eunuchs. Another wrong spelling found.

Ottomans had big brains, according to their gigantic hats.

Ottomans were muslims, along with the egyptians, which the venetians ferried their saint's corpse from.

The ottoman's land was much more valuable than the romans land, even though it was smaller, because of trade.

The janissaries, who had guns, were finally allowed to have families.

You know what the janissaries did. They had guns.

Venice was extremely close to the ottomans, which is why they traded a lot.

Venice traded a lot with their awesome ships, made by their super awesome ship making skills.

Venice was called Venetia.

Venetians helped the crusaders get to the place where they wanted to fight. As I said at one of my other videos.

Saint Mark was claimed by the Venetians, but it was rightfully the egyptian's.

The ottomans made great architecture which made them really great.

The ottomans bypassed the problem of hereditary nobles by starting the Dev Shur Me.

The Venetians were famous for their ships, which they used for major trading.

Memet the Conquerer and Sulamin the magnificent are the 2 people that are the awesome emperors of the ottoman empire.

Sulamin turned the ottomans into a great naval power.

The Ottomans had a lot of wealth.

Ottoman Eunuchs were very common in the Ottoman empire.

The Venetians also went to the Lavant.

The muslims don't check shipments of pork very carefully.

The ottomans were greatest between the 15th and 16th century.

There are bosnian mulsims today.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Indian Ocean

Charles VI thought he was made out of glass.

Thanks to the mongols, trading was cheap and safe.

Indian ocean trade was very important because people imported lots of things that were only found at individual countries.

Indian Ocean trade was peaceful.

Merchants and Royals have lots of relations with each other.

Black Pepper was a great export from Sri Lanka.

The magnetic compass came from china.

Lots of city states exist because of trade.

Trade was a very good way to get stuff around the world in the old days.

People that wore funny hats were usually rulers.

The Monsoon Marketplace is another name for Indian Ocean Trade.

Muslim Merchants were the ones that usually had enough money to buy ships.

As I said before, Indian Ocean trade was peaceful, except for a few pirates.

Coffee to Books To Weapons were traded around through indian ocean trade.

The chinese also invented a lot of stuff that was traded through indian ocean trade.

Globes have serpents on them because there were mysterious dissapearances of ships in the sea that we now connect to typhoons.

Try shattering Charles VI. He thought he was made out of glass.

Indian Ocean trade was a very big trade route that went across the sea.

The silk road made less money than the monsoon marketplace, but silk road trade is more famous than the monsoon marketplace.

Everyone welcomes a merchant into their house, unless they are actually an army in disguise.

Technology spread through the monsoon marketplace.

The indian ocean was not only near india, but it spread across the whole southern part of asia and the eastern part of africa.

Cheaper trade meant more trade in the monsoon marketplace.

Kodo Rani (I bet that's the wrong spelling) offered her guts to her new husband as a wedding gift.

Islam spread to indonesia through the monsoon marketplace, when the elites of indonesia started adopting the religion.

Indian Ocean Trade really blew up between 1000 CE and 1200 CE.

Kodo Rani was forced to marry someone who kidnapped her, but then he died. After that, she got invaded and was forced to marry the main invader. After that, she sliced open her stomach and gave her guts to her husband as a wedding present. And all because her father let an army into his house, thinking they were merchants.

When the mongols were in charge, it was safer to go by land, because, if you pay a little tax, the mongols would protect you for the rest of your journey.

Singapore is an example of a trading place in modern times.

The Indian Ocean trade route was not only 1 route, there are lots of routes you can go through.

Monsoons were very important in the monsoon marketplace, because when you're trading, you can go home when the wind is leading to your hometown, and you can go to the country which you are planning to trade with when the wind is leading there.

Indian Ocean trade was like Silk Road trade.

There was a recognisable monsoon marketplace in about 700 CE.

The Indian Ocean trade was dominated by muslim merchants because they were very rich.

You wouldn't let an army or a rival noble into your house, but you would probably let a merchant in.

Islam spread to the centers of trade in the monsoon marketplace, therefore, the countries near vietnam never became muslim.

Predictable winds meant lower risk, which meant cheaper trade, which meant more people could have the things they wanted.

Some pretty valuable stuff was traded throughout the monsoon marketplace.

Silk and wood was traded across the monsoon marketplace.

Lots of exports were taken from asia in the monsoon marketplace.

Sri Vijia, I bet i'm saying it wrong, was a chokepoint for trade.

Trade was a huge wealth for trade chokepoints, because they could tax traders and merchants. Checkmate, suckers.

If we focus on the acts of the funny hatted people that rule us, we forget that we, the ordinary civilians, also create history.

It is extremely amazing that Indian Ocean Trade was almost completely peaceful.

Rice was an export from south eastern asia.

Lots of stuff that are in other countries now were traded through indian ocean trade.

If indian ocean trade was not so great, we would not have the stuff we have today.

Sri Vijya was near the strait of malaaka.

The Habsburg Dynasty was known for their disturbing family portraits. That was totally of topic like Charles VI thinking he was made out of glass, but that's trivia for you! Keeps this blog alive.

Sometimes, travel guides for the Indian Ocean showed which time to go for the week or even the day. That means cheaper stuff. Stuff is still traveling around the world to new countries every day!